Coping with the bullshit!!!!

Why do people do this? My mother is 52 years old and her husband is maybe a few years older than that. Her and dad were married almost 25 years and both of them made a lot of mistakes but never made an effort to try and make it right in any way. They continued to be destructive to the marriage until they got divorced. After the divorce my mother wanted nothing to do with my father in any way shape or form even if it had to do with the kids. Her current husband is extremely controlling and possessive, he bad mouths her behind her back and calls her nasty names to her face and she's still falling all over herself for him. One minute she's talking about how she can't live with the way he treats her but after they 'split up' and started living at separate residences she's at his place just about every night and she'll stay for several days at a time. When she's with him she doesn't answer her phone, she either turns it off or ignores it all together. At the same time she bitches about how controlling he is. Who in their right mind does this shit to themselves and then bitches to their kids about it and expects the kids to 'be there for her'? I've told my sister she needs to pack all of mom's shit either in suitcases or garbage bags and put it out in front of her door and tell mom that if she's gonna be staying with her soon to be ex then she might as well live with him full time and not bother coming into her house at all since she can't seem to have any respect for anyone including herself. I guess I should be thankful that my sis and I haven't had any major/emergent issues where we'd feel the need to call and notify her because at this point I don't even think we can rely on her for much of anything. She is so busy trying to stay in the 'good graces' of a man who absolutely doesn't value my mother as a person. Not only did he talk shit about her when I was on the outs with her but I've seen him put his hands on her and physically hurt her when he was only 'playing/joking around'. Honestly all of this crap pisses me off and makes me sick. You really have no idea how bad I just want to fly home and beat the crap out of my stepfather for being such an asshole toward my mother. While I'm at it I'd like to slap my mother across the face and tell her to wake the fuck up and get her head out of her ass and go for some counseling. Unfortunately my mother can't be a whole individual without being part of someone elses life. I guess since the only thing my mother has ever really known is abuse that's all she can relate to. Since her dad treated her like shit, used and abused her and told her she was good for nothing and was so damn controlling that they didn't ever have friends over the house that she had to find a guy just like dear old dad. Don't get me wrong my dad wasn't perfect he had his issues like drinking excessively and seem to abuse prescription medication but my mom was free to come and go as she pleased and my dad never really gave her a hard time. He also busted his ass and put in a lot of long hours and drove long haul so there were times he wasn't home for days/weeks at a time. But he brought home the paycheck that helped pay the bills and get cars repaired that had issues. It's amazing how different both of them are. Funny how when my parents separated my mom couldn't get rid of dad fast enough and all she did was talk bad about him. Dad on the other hand never wished mom any ill feelings all he wanted was for things to just be over.

Hell my mom wouldn't go be with my sister when she had any of her kids because my dad was in the hospital. Really what the hell does that have to do with seeing your daughter and your grandkids being born? Seriously I don't think my mother actually gets that her effed up ass attitude is going to cause her to die a bitter, lonely old woman. I guess all I can say is I'm glad I don't live even remotely close to the place I used to call home. I've had my mom call me to tell me her husband was in the hospital for an 'enlarged heart' after that episode he was out of work for like three months or so mind you my mom was still not working because he didn't want her to work!!!!! So yeah they got behind on bills and ended up having to file for bankruptcy. The good car that my mom had got repossessed because they couldn't make the payments. Now my mom is driving a piece of shit that has to have transmission work. Mom has no money saved up because every time her 'husband' overdrew the account she had to bail them out of shit from her savings. Seriously WTF is up with that shit???!!!! The more I think about all this crap and how my mother is just fucking up her life the more pissed off I get!!!!

Don't get me wrong my marriage is far from perfect but Josh isn't controlling. I can go out if I wish. I can have friends and we don't have to call each other a million times a day to 'check up on one another'. Also Josh would never purposely leave me with no money and no transportation to get around out of spite, greed or selfishness. On the contrary Josh stresses about making sure we have enough money to pay our bills so we don't end up overdrawn and that we don't over spend our expendable income before the following pay day. We have two vehicles that are fully paid for we have a motorcycle fully paid for and a canoe fully paid for. So hubby has fabulous credit, as evidenced by the fact that we just recently bought a home and the monthly payments only take up about half of our military housing allowance. The other half of that is more then enough to cover our cellphone, house phone, Internet, TV, and our other utilities every month. The rest of the money is tied up in investments like a land loan, a newer vehicle, an IRA and a share savings certificate loan. I guess this is where I take the time to count my blessings!!!!

An email that just made my week!!!!

I just got an email from my sweetie that he sent out about 5 hours ago. It wasn't a long drawn out email but it was great to know he was able to get in touch with me. I've been keeping him posted as best I can about things going on here. I think I've sent him three or four emails with no response. So it was great to to get even two or three lines from him. I'm holding things together just fine here. I've been trying to be good about not over spending and making sure that we have money between pay days to work with if we need it for anything.

Just another day in the neighborhood

Whoa Monday Monday, in three days I have a dental appointment and a therapy appointment, talk about a party. So far so good coping with things while Josh is away. Let me tell you I kind of wigged out a little last night because I forgot that I had not locked the sliding glass door to the yard and I turned on the yard light and didn't realize I had done it. When I came back from our little play date I went through the house locked and loaded hoping no one else had been in the house. I locked the house down last night any and every single door and window. I have left overs in the fridge that I need to put to use. I'm thinking some pasta and chicken marinara type set up for tonight. Ugh I've also got laundry to take care of but BLEH!!!!! Who the heck wants to worry about laundry when its just me and the lil guy we don't go anywhere. I was gonna let Eric in the yard to play for a bit but its rather overcast and chilly out. I've still got homework to take care of that I don't even want to think about. I am seriously in the mood for a nap but I need to put Eric down for the time being.

Just another day in paradise...

Well here I sit all by my lonesome just trying not to lose my mind I thought I did rather well the last couple of nights. Yesterday I stayed busy by making sure I took care of Eric's birth cert. and his soc. sec. card stuff even though it was pouring rain all day. Then yesterday evening I went over to our friends', Claire and Mike's house with Eric for a while and he played with their golden lab, Valentino. That was a totally cute site to see. He could have easily knocked Eric into next year but he was so gentle with him it was great!!! I brought all my busted up chairs over there for Mike to fix for me since he has a decent workshop out of his garage and he's retired so he does a lot of stuff in his spare time. It was really nice to get away from my own company for a while. Don't get me wrong I don't have issues with my own company but I can only watch so much TV, play on the computer so much, and read so much before I start climbing the walls. I'm not sitting here depressed and over thinking my life. It's actually pretty damn sweet and I have no need to complain about anything at all just a little lonely right now. I'm hoping maybe I'll get an email or something to that effect while Josh is gone. I guess we'll see. I did send him under way with a box of sweettart hearts and a card so I hope he opens the card tomorrow and thinks of us. Eric is hanging in there for the most part but I think he realizes daddy isn't here because his eating habits have changed up again and he's not eating like usual. Also he's sucking down so much juice its not even funny. He's also probablly having constipation issues even though he's drinking lots of juice. Who knows. I need to be doing more stuff for class but I'm being a lazy bum. I'll work on things tomorrow and Monday and then work towards the next unit at the start of the unit week which is Wed. I better get my behind to bed before it becomes another late night. I know Eric will be up somewhere between 7 and 8 in the morning and I like my beauty sleep.

And they're off.....

How do I express what is going on inside my head, inside my heart? I thought Josh being underway would not feel as gut wrenching as it does. I didn't stop to think before he left about the last time he was under way. I almost became a widow as part of that evolution. I'm trying my best not to fall apart. Things are so different now from when Josh and I were in Guam, or even in WA state. I seriously wish that I'd had Eric in WA instead of here. At least over there I could have hung out with Leah for a good bit of the time. Don't get me wrong I love Sarah, she's totally awesome!!!! She has so much going on in her home its not even funny, my kid is calm and unobtrusive compared to her two youngest ones and her 'middle' child. So she's always got insanity at her place and its hard to say OK lets pack up the kids and go to dinner or go here or go there. Just really effin sucks. I know I bitch a lot about all the little pet peeves I have with Josh but I truly do feel it when he's not here. This is my first night sleeping alone in several years and I'm sure I'll handle it just fine but thinking about how things were before when he was under way makes things rough. When I didn't have to worry about a little person I got up and went where I wanted when I wanted. Now I don't have very many choices on where I can go without thinking of my son first. I'm thankful we have a home of our own with a huge yard that Eric enjoys playing in. I wish my self motivation and ambition went a lot further then it does. Unfortunately I am a great idea person and have a really rough time with follow through. We shall see what the next few days holds.

Man when it rains it pours!!!!

First I have to say, we bought our first house two and a half months ago now. I also started my 6th term of college two days before we closed on our home. OK fine we had started packing some things ahead of time that we knew we really didn't need. We got moved in and pretty much settled right around Thanksgiving time. That was great!!!!! We had my inlaws here from Thanksgiving til the end of Nov. They came back for Christmas and stayed through the New Year. I love them dearly but in all that time getting class work done was absolute hell. With all the adults that were in the house I couldn't get anyone to watch the baby or keep him out of my hair for a few hour so I could get any work done. I ended up having to request an extension for this class and everything us due by Feb. 5th. I have 5 days to get the rest of the work done and turned in and hope I at least make it out of the class with a C. I thought, OK inlaws are gone I can get back on some kind of a routine and figure out when I can get class work done. No such luck. Now I'm working on crunch time. I started my second paper and I'm a page in but I need to brush up on things. I also have discussion boards that need done and two other papers that need worked on as well. Talk about absolute insanity. Oh and my next term starts on the 2nd of Feb. YAY!!!! Unfortunately Josh really isn't taking my online courses seriously, so he doesn't help keep the baby out of my hair because of course he can't be without his computer. So he's in the room right next to me playing and goofing off all weekend long and during the week when he comes home from work early but has the nerve to complain when I'm not doing something fast enough for his liking. I just don't understand where his logic is, why is it that all his shit including his gaming is so much more important then anything I do. Hell even his son is less important then his time to himself. Hell Saturday all day I was sick as a dog, throwing up so bad that when I stood up I was dizzy, you think my husband would actually look after our son and change his diapers and make sure he was fed, and had his juice? Nope, I had to do laundry and make sure that Eric was taken care of. I don't know how many times I stopped in the middle of the work I was doing to be sick. Then when I wasn't cleaning clothes or caring for Eric I was in bed. Can you believe my husband had the nerve to be disgusted with me and annoyed with me for being ill enough to be in bed all day. Now mind you I woke up at 7:30 to feed breakfast to Eric, made sure he was changed and fed, started laundry, tried to keep up with our son as best I could and laid down when I had the chance. Finally Josh went out and I was in bed half an hour after I put Eric to bed and slept til half past 9 yesterday morning. Hoping to drop Eric with a friend and spend a few hours getting some serious work done on these papers and some of this discussion board stuff... Its insane... when it rains it pours... the last couple weeks I was gonna make an effort to get stuff done and then Eric got sick, he ran a fever up and down and all over the place for a week, then he's had a cold for a week and been clingy and needy, and now I'm sick as a damn dog... WTFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Any way it will eventually all come together... Cant wait to get all the stuff from this past term behind me!!!

It's been a while

For a change I'm not writing about the annoyances in my life. I'm not sweating the small stuff. There has been a lot going on. The biggest and most positive one is the fact that we have a new home address. Hubby changed commands a bit sooner then was originally planned but we didn't move out of the local area. We purchased a house about a week or so before Thanksgiving. Buying the house was probablly one of the best decisions we've made in a really long time. Owning a home has it's ups and downs but for the most part we haven't had any major issues with the structure or the grounds themselves. Thankfully we don't belong to an HOA so we don't have to worry about rules, regulations and excessive fees for extrainious bullshit. Outside of making sure we follow city ordinences and such we don't have to worry about a neighbor telling someone they don't like something about our home and then having the wrath of God come down on us from the president of the HOA. I started the current term two days before we closed on the house and I spent most of the time from then til Christmas trying to get things settled in and we had company for Thanksgiving and Christmas so my school work got set on a back burner for quite a while. Right now I'm backed up but I did get in touch with the professor before the start of the term and let her know that I was expecting things to get backed up and such. She's willing to grant me an extension but I'm hoping I won't really need it I'm hoping like hell I can be mostly caught up by this weekend. Being able to sit and focus has been hell for me but I'm working on it as best I can.

In other news my mother has finally decided her second marriage is over. Hell they weren't even married five full years I think or maybe just past that. I think they got married April 2004. So by the time the divorce is finalized it will have been about five and a half years they were actually married. I told my mom a while back when she was having issues with him what my perception was of him by some of the things she had said to me and also by the way I had seen him treat her. He came off as jealous, posessive and controlling and didn't like to be treated in the same manner. From me she didn't want to hear it. So the girls at work told her the same thing. When she called and told me what was going on, I told her straight up that she never seemed genuinely happy with him. They always seemed to have some kind of tension between them. What could I do. I just told her if she needed me I'd be there in what ever way I could. I just hope she seriously sticks to her guns and doesn't go back to him. Seriously I think she needs to work on herself for a while. She needs to get herself, her emotions, and her life back on track. She needs to focus on being happy with herself. I think she spent so much time resenting others for the situations she put herself in that she seriously didn't know how to put blame on herself for anything. She didn't know how to accept ownership of her faults and get beyond them. I love my mom with all my heart even when there are times that I really don't like her as a person and I truly hope that she can find peace and happiness within herself that I don't think she ever really had.