And they're off.....

How do I express what is going on inside my head, inside my heart? I thought Josh being underway would not feel as gut wrenching as it does. I didn't stop to think before he left about the last time he was under way. I almost became a widow as part of that evolution. I'm trying my best not to fall apart. Things are so different now from when Josh and I were in Guam, or even in WA state. I seriously wish that I'd had Eric in WA instead of here. At least over there I could have hung out with Leah for a good bit of the time. Don't get me wrong I love Sarah, she's totally awesome!!!! She has so much going on in her home its not even funny, my kid is calm and unobtrusive compared to her two youngest ones and her 'middle' child. So she's always got insanity at her place and its hard to say OK lets pack up the kids and go to dinner or go here or go there. Just really effin sucks. I know I bitch a lot about all the little pet peeves I have with Josh but I truly do feel it when he's not here. This is my first night sleeping alone in several years and I'm sure I'll handle it just fine but thinking about how things were before when he was under way makes things rough. When I didn't have to worry about a little person I got up and went where I wanted when I wanted. Now I don't have very many choices on where I can go without thinking of my son first. I'm thankful we have a home of our own with a huge yard that Eric enjoys playing in. I wish my self motivation and ambition went a lot further then it does. Unfortunately I am a great idea person and have a really rough time with follow through. We shall see what the next few days holds.