Embrace The SUCK!!!!

I guess before I discuss the suck portion of this post I should be thankful for all the positives.  My family is all healthy, we have a roof over our head that isn't leaking or otherwise giving us issues, I'm blessed to be able to stay at home with my children, my husband has a good paying job and enjoys his work and works well with most of his co workers.


Part of the issue with the job is this, right now we live about 45 min. to an hour away from the job.  Hubby doesn't want to deal with the drive especially since his ride is a big gas guzzler.  What this means is that our lease in our current location is up in Nov.  Hubby wants to have a lease signed for a new place by Nov. 1 so we can take the time for the entire month to move from one location to the other.  Don't mind at all but our current location is a 4 bedroom townhouse in a condo community with a 2 car garage, and of course the garage is fully loaded with NO CARS PARKED IN IT.  So we have to find a place with 4 bedrooms and a two car garage to transfer all our stuff from one location to the other.  The other issue is he doesn't want to live in another townhouse condo environment, he wants a house with a YARD for the kids and his canoe (eye roll).  OK great, right?  WRONG!  We need to rent space because the job may move him again by 2016 to Tallahassee from where he currently works.  The other issue?  There are more properties for sale then their are for rent.  Also in the current housing market we'd pay less to buy a home then we would if we rented space.  Of course I'm scouting all this crap out online by myself because of course hubby is busy with work and when he gets home he doesn't want to deal with anything, he comes home changes out of work clothes, expects food on the table and then hides in his cave with his computer games.  No reason at all why I should be upset, annoyed and just in general pissed off at the entire situation.  Right now I'm wishing I had just stayed in GA.  Wouldn't even care if I had stayed there without the husband at this point.  he's not around much even when he's here.

What abortion really looks like....

http://iowntheworld.com/blog/?p=128933 So I've got friends who think nothing about an abortion or forcing a miscarriage just because they don't want to be pregnant or because they can't afford to have another child.  I'm scared at what a throw away society we have become.  I don't understand how people can be so blase about abortion.  I wonder if people really think about all that has to happen in order for them to get pregnant.  They are only concerned about the here and now, they don't think about later on down the road when they look back and wonder about that child they purposely had torn from their bodies and didn't take the time to get to know.  Those people will be the ones wondering what their child could have been, the person that they could have grown in to if they had only had a chance.  As some one who miscarried twice I know I could never willingly go through the mental anguish and torture of having an abortion.  I frequently think about the pregnancies that ended in miscarriage shortly after I found out I was pregnant and still wonder what could have been.  I couldn't even imagine the women who have had abortions who regret that decision and have such God aweful horrible dreams about the lives they terminated.

What an Easter Surprise!

So a few days ago I confirmed that I'm pregnant!  I had started testing before the beginning of the month and the red dye tests were making me crazy because of how they were reading.  Finally when I got together with Josh at his parents house I bought a digital test.  Wasn't sure what I wanted to see on that test more, pregnant or not pregnant?  So now I'm going to try and take it easy and pray that we carry to full term.  The due date for this little bundle of joy is December 17th.  I did tell Josh no more traveling til I have the 9 week ultrasound just to make sure things are going well.  I'm still freaking out that I could potentially miscarry.  Life is going to be nuts with Josh away at school and no support system here, I'll essentially be by myself to take care of every thing!  I did tell the family right away because I could sure use the extra prayers for a healthy pregnancy.  I'm hoping now that I'm back home and will be in my own bed that I'll be able to sleep through the night with no issues.  Also hoping I don't have issues with nasea and vomitting all that often.  I did manage to find a prenatal vitamin that I can take that doesn't make me feel like hammered ass.  Might keep those specifically for when I travel and use the others that I have here to take at night before going to bed.  Funny how I stock piled on prenatals and have enough to last me a couple of years damn near.

In my grief I'll trade mark your name!!!!!!

WTF is wrong with society?  The Treyvon Martin case is being so sensationalized it isn't even funny.  Another Rodney King.  Funny how everyone is crying out about how Martin lost his life and will have no second chances to fix his life.  No one is talking about how a man has to live with the choice that he made to shoot a kid in self defense and took his life.  No one is talking about the fact that this man has to wake up with night sweats seeing this kids face in his dreams.  The media hasn't really told Zimmerman's side of the story but they sure are having a field day with idiots like his mother who is out there trade marking her sons name.  Idiots like Spike Lee run around spouting off at the mouth giving the public an address he believes belongs to George Zimmerman which in turn has an elderly couple scared for their lives!  Way to perpetrate the race baiting Mr. Lee.  Oh yeah lets not forget the bounty put on Mr. Zimmerman's head by the black panthers.  But the media doesn't mention any of this.  Funny how people are quick to think its OK for a black lynch mob to go after a white guy but a one on one confrontation where a black kid ended up dead because he made bad choices and chose to confront the wrong guy instead of going for help if he felt threatened has become a reason to rally and fight and feel victimized.

As some one who looking back walked through some pretty seedy parts of town before the sun came up and after the sun went down, I'm thankful that if I was ever being followed no one chose to approach me and do me bodily harm.  Why was I walking streets at 5 AM and 10 PM?  Because I was a college student taking public transportation to a college a few towns over and in order to make my 8 AM classes I had to be at the bus station at 6 AM when the bus left.  When I decided to persue another degree I attended a local county college in my home city and was taking night classes again after the busses weren't running as frequently.  Rather then stand around and open myself up to harrassment I chose to walk home from classes after they let out.  So there was potential for me to get hurt even killed walking to and from school as an adult never mind a child.  Funny if I had been followed without cause or need and some one had beaten the crap out of me/raped me/shot me on my way to or from school there wouldn't have been nearly the hype, I would have been just another victim of an imperfect world where 'shit just happens'.  (Notice I didn't put down if I had been shot by a black 17 year old male, hell I didn't even put down a gender at all.)  Just pisses me off that the poor black kid is always the victim even if they have a history of violence and disrespect for authority.  Treyvon Martin was no saint, he was a kid who was falling through the cracks, his parents failed him, they failed to teach him right from wrong, they failed to teach him to SAY NO TO DRUGS, they failed to teach him YOU DON'T PHYSICALLY ASSAULT another person because you don't like the way they look at you or talk to you.  I blame the kids parents for not teaching him manners, right from wrong, and respect for others.

Facing life head on...

I'm sure my life right now is a cake walk compaired to what many other people are going through but I'm having a rough time with so many things.  Depression is one of the biggest issues.  I should be taking meds, and seeing a therapist regularly but I just kind of gave up on it.  My eating habits suck, I don't exercise like I should be.  I should be more interactive with Eric and have him doing more with practicing writing letters and numbers and at the very least writing his name.  I have no desire to really do any of that!  I was excited that he can count to ten on his own and that he knows his entire alphabet, he knows colors and several shapes.  I really need to be working with him on spelling and identifying objects.  He enjoys when I read to him at night.  I love having him with me, I like that for the most part I can go just about any where and take him with me and he's mostly well behaved.  He has been testing me lately though because he knows I let him get away with certain things that his dad won't let him off the hook on.  I'm also having issues with introducing new foods to him.  These are things I'll have to discuss with his Dr. when I schedule his annual check up.

As for me, where do I even begin?  On Saturday I sent an Ex an email just to wish him a happy birthday.  I've been with Josh almost 13 years now and as much as we have issues he's the right man for me.  The ex however has 'buyers remorse' over pushing me out of his life.  Who knows where I'd be right now if Phil and I had stayed together.  Would I have been able to break away from my family and live on my own?  Would I have had any success going back to Jersey after I finished my tour of duty?  I knew there was a reason I left.  I felt, with certainty, that my life was going to go nowhere if I stayed where I was.  With Josh I've had a chance to see some of the world.  I'm dealing with a lot.  In the last 5 years I've had two miscarriages and had to heavily encourage my husband to go after the law school he so dearly wanted to attend.  They accepted him with open arms and full scholarship.  The separation is hard on both of us.  For myself the hard part is not really having emotional support when I'm feeling defeated.  I gave up any attempts to finish my bachelors degree for the same reason.  Sadly I wasn't getting any of the support I really needed when Josh was home much less now that he's gone doing his own thing.  If/when I have another baby again I'll be going through so much alone.  God's plan for me often times seems so heart breaking.  If I get pregnant while Josh is in school I really don't have any kind of strong support system near by to help me out with things once I deliver, or if I have complications during pregnancy.  Funny how Josh really isn't giving me what I need but still expects me to give him what he wants/needs.  My head is spinning with all of this and I'm hoping it doesn't keep me awake half the night.

Plastic Surgery Debate...

Earlier today a friend from grade school/high school posted a status about people who choose to have plastic surgery and others telling them that too much is actually too much.  She made the mistake of asking for opinions then didn't like the fact that I gave mine because I actually responded several times to the same post.  Honestly why put crap like that up if you don't like hearing that others don't think like you do.  If all you want is for people to blow sunshine up your ass then maybe you should post that ahead of time.  Funny how its OK when the liberal mind set gets all bent out of shape and rants and raves about crap without any logic to it then they can talk all they want.  She posed the question about plastic surgery and people having how ever much done that they want as long as they have the money for it.  What they don't realize is that the body can only take so much being cut open and sewn shut before it refuses to fight possible infections, or implants are rejected or you can no longer hide scars.  She blasted me because I didn't agree that people should be allowed to mutilate their bodies endlessly as long as they have the money to constantly have surgery.  Some people really don't understand buyers remorse!

So much on the brain

Where do I even begin? First I guess I'll start with Josh's step mom losing her mind on me for no reason. I called to ask about dates for celebrating Eric's birthday and she got on one of her rants telling me how Dan was left to clean the church by himself. When I suggested some thing as simple as talking to the congregation about the churches upkeep and care she flipped out on me and gave me no good reason why he couldn't ask for help from others.  This isn't the first time I've had issues with her or with him blowing up at me for no reason.  Just kills me how the elderly demand respect but they are 'allowed' to open their mouths and spew stupidity and then ask for forgiveness and every thing is suppose to be OK because they said they were sorry.  I'm seriously getting to a point where I'm just like screw all these crazy ass people.  I know I shouldn't be like that but damn why is it people get all sanctemonious and moral when it's convenient for them?
I'm really getting tired of making all the effort and sacrifice and shuttling back and forth, not to mention that Josh is all for having another baby but he's not the one making much of the effort.  I have to take myself down to him, I have to get things together here for the trip.  Keep things together when I spend time in his area.  Can't really say I spend time with him because he spends more time with his computer then he does with me when I pay him a visit.  I won't even get in to clean up after he cooks and Preston eats.  Seriously I think both of them have such a damn phobia about doing dishes.  Hell I fight back and forth with keeping my own house neat and clean and I go down there to do more house work, seriously?  For that I can just stay home with Eric and the cats and not have to deal with all the extra bullshit.  Plus the cats snuggle with me at night and they don't snore like Josh does.