How now brown cow????

So it's been a while since I rant or rave or whatever on here. I figured it was about time I did SOMETHING. Let's see. Last term I was stressing out over the papers I was going to have to do for two classes I was attempting to take. I finally withdrew from one of the classes hoping to make it easier on myself and it didn't exactly work out that way. I ended up having foot surgery the beginning of May and still ended up falling behind in the remaining class. Let me tell you that really sucked. If hubby hadn't helped me out I'd have failed the class. At any rate I ended up getting a B in the class I finished and this term I am retaking the class I withdrew from last term. On the plus side I have the book already and am a bit ahead as far as research material for the first paper. I will have to get in touch with the prof. for this class and clarify some things as far as getting the paper hashed out. I've got three papers witht he same basic principles and I'm going to definitely make sure I have all my shit in one sock to get these papers written and reviewed in a timely fashion.

Trying to get back on track

Here I sit at a local bakery trying to function and think. I have a paper that was due to be turned in four days ago. I managed to write out a rough draft but it looks like hell. I was trying to do this from home and it didn't seem to be working out very well. We shall see how well this works out. I had to drop my History of Psychology class because unfortunately hubby wasn't exactly being cooperative on the peace and quiet front so I could focus. I don't know that my current environment is any better but trying to keep up with Eric's needs has caused me to drop what I've been doing with class work in order to give him my undivided attention and by the time I put him to bed I'm ready for bed myself. This afternoon I napped so I'm hoping I can clean up this paper and get some posting done for class. Whew I hate hate hate to play catch up with work. I know next term I'll have to take the History of Psychology class all over again so I'm hoping to get a head start on the reading during the week break between terms.

The downward spiral of my marriage

Here I sit when I should be working on school stuff getting ready to vent about my husband and his insecurities. Thanks to all the bullshit and garbage from him I've decided to drop one class and go back to taking one class per term so that's 1 class every 10 weeks and I have 20 classes to go before my degree is completed. So I was going to take Easter Sunday to find a quiet space to go and work on reading for both my classes and work on posting to discussion boards and get both my papers started that are due this time next week. Well when I told Josh I was doing this on Sat. after he came back from being gone to a 'fair tax rally' with a 'buddy' of his for 5 hours he blew up at me and of course had the whole accusatory demeanor that I was going to screw around on him. Really? Are you that fucking insecure and controlling that I can't even go and find a quiet baby free space to get my school work done when you make the time to do all your shit at work because you get to fucking distracted at home with your computer games? Then of course I'm suppose to be ready to fuck you on demand when there is no sexual enjoyment in it for me. everything is about him. At this point everything is lip service on my end. His idea of an apology was sex at three in the morning yesterday. His idea of an I'm thinking about you card was something having to do with me being naked. I want to know what the hell happen to the guy who used to like spending time with me just hanging out riding around, going to used book stores, flea markets and Renaissance Fairs? Where the hell did the I just want to hold you and be with you guy go? What happened to the person who used to like curling up on the floor or sofa together to just read? Where the hell is the guy who needs to step up and be a dad? Yes his work is important and it keeps a roof over our head and food on the table but when he comes home his decompression time should be with his son and not his computer. Don't get me wrong, I spend more time on the computer and in front of the television then I should but my husband LIVES FOR HIS COMPUTER. I at least get up and tend to my son when he needs me. I don't sit and try to ignore him thinking he's being whiney. If I leave Eric with Josh for any length of time so I can give myself a bit of a break from going stir crazy I'm immediately dumping my son off on him. Seriously you act like I'm leaving you with someone else's kids.
So of course I'm the one who set up an appointment for myself to go to counseling because at this point I need someone to vent to who just might give me some perspective on why my husband acts like such an immature fucking jerkoff.

Just keep on keeping on

It's Tuesday night about 10 PM and I put my son down for the night at about 8:30. I'm trying to get him off going to bed with a bottle at night so I tried feeding him some stage three jar food before putting him down. He played for a bit and then went out like a light. I'm hoping that I fed him enough that he'll sleep throught he night without issues because I have to be up for a dental appointment at 8 in the morning. Right now I should either be in bed or reading for my classes but I'm not doing either one. I'm just curious what time my husband will decide he feels like coming home tonight. Twice now he's gone out, once to one place and didn't bother to call me to tell me he was changing venues and that he planned to be out more then just the original 'couple of hours' he mentioned before he left the house, and the second was his jaunt to go fishing with a buddy around noon, he told me after the fact that they got off the water at 6 PM and he didn't get home til almost 10 PM. Talk about seriously pissing me off. I'm like really, where the hell does he get off? You can't make a phone call to tell me what the hell is going on just in case something is going on in the house? Am I that unimportant that you just go about your merry way like you don't have a damn care in the world or anyone at home waiting on you? Is you son that unimportant to you that you would just show such a lack of consideration as to stop and mke a phone call. At this point I'm at the end of my rope with this bullshit and if he does it again I will leave him. This kind of crap I don't need. It's one thing for him to be on deployment and unreachable but for him to be just down the fucking street and act like he can't even pick up the fucking cellphone and call me and say 'hey babe I'm heading over to XYZ place for a few hours is that ok?' just kind of pisses me off. Apparently he just assumes that I'm ok with him being all over town getting drunk. Then he will sit at home and get drunk and accuse me of cheating on him when he's the one who doesn't want to be in the house.
On a personal level I'm having issues with my libedo and my overall appearance. I don't feel any kind of attractive and I have no real desire for sex. Its not just that I don't want to have sex with my husband, its more a case of I could care less if I never have sex again. At this point when I need to relieve tention in that department I do a better job by myself. My sex life hasn't been all that great for a few years now. I mean hell we have our moments where I actually see stars but it takes a lot of effort on my husbands part to get me there. He really doesn't want to be bothered putting in the effort to romance me and I just don't feel much of anything when he decides he's PMSing and needs to fuck or he'll bust apart. All that does is irritate me that he gets up the next morning with a shit eating grin on his face because he got laid and I get up in pain and disappointed at the previous nights events. I'm to the point where why bother?

So many things

Where do I even begin with what I have going through my mind. There has been so much going on. I guess I'll start with the good, positive stuff first. Eric has absolutely been growing in leaps and bounds. His first birthday was 4 days ago. He's been clapping his hands on his own, he's learned to walk without help and when he's holding my hand forget it, he's off and running. Today I took him to the health department to get his one year shots and we weighed him and measured him and he's 22.5 lbs and 29 1/4 inches long. Before I know it he'll be taller then me and probablly twice my weight. All I can say is WOW!!!! There is so much more I want to write about but I'm just too damn tired. Between the baby and School I'm so beat it isn't even funny.

Been a while.

So much has been going on. Nothing negative but a lot just the same. In the last year Josh has completed his first two years of college with honors in the top 10% of his class. All of this while working full time. Talk about determination and drive. Ok so he doesn't do as much here at home as I really wish he would but hell he busts his ass for school. Three days ago was our sixth wedding anniversary and it went by like just another day. We are both so busy just being who has time to remember the day we committed ourselves to eachother for life. I only thought of it after the fact. As for me I've finished up a second term. Earning my BS is a slow going process because I'm more worried about devoting time to my son. At this point I'm thankful I got Statistics out of the way. Everything else from this point forward should pretty much be a cake walk. Speaking of walking I watched my son take his first steps less then 12 hours ago. I was so excited I could just burst. I called my baby sister. Supermom extraordinare and she told me to have Eric practice by walking between Josh and I while we sat on the floor. Huh who knows Eric just might get the hang of walking by his first birthday... which is right around the corner... about two weeks away. Totally unbelieveable.

Eh bored but not enough to do homework

Here I sit at the moment getting ready to blog about a whole lot of nothing when I should be reading up for my Psychology class and working on my Statistics homework so I'm not trying to get it all done at the last minute. Hell I haven't even taken part in the discussion boards for this week yet. Its insane how I can manage to put things off. Earlier today I didn't get into my homework because I had a raging headache and the worst case of cramps I've had in a while. So I did other meanial things like laundry and dishes that didn't require much thought or concentration now here it is almost 10 PM I'm feeling better but have no desire to try and start any kind of reading or homework at this hour. I'm hanging in as best I can and I guess we shall see how things go as far as being able to keep my grades up in these two classes hopefully next week I won't have this issue. I have my first real 'project' for Psychology to start next week which I should really get started on research for this week. Thankfully for this class I only have three projects total and they are spaced out a bit from eachother. They all seem to be essay papers of about three pages so that shouldn't be too bad. The stats homework on the other hand is going to give me such a brain ache it isn't even funny.
Hmmmm let's see Eric is getting big and moving aroudn a lot. He's also picked up Mama. Yay, he's finally saying Mama and I love it. I was working on attempting to get dental implants and that got totally squashed by Josh because of the cost of each part of the work. So now my alternative if I want teeth is to go to my primary dentist and see if he can work on my lower partial and fix and adjust it in such a way that I can wear it comfortablly. We'll see how well that goes. I'll call them tomorrow and see if they have any appointments available. I know with the economy being the way it's been and with how bad most dental insurance sucks that a lot of people either aren't keeping dental appointments or they are not bothering to make them. Guess I'll see when I call up tomorrow, what they might have available.