Going, going, gone....

So hubs went back to campus Jan. 5th to get started on the second semester of his first year.  His life/career is taking right off.  One of his professors is resigning her position at the school to take a position with the circuit court.  I guess while she was teaching she was also a research assistant for her husbands law firm and she got in touch with Josh to potentially offer him the research assistant job.  Don't get me wrong I'm happy for Josh he's doing what he should be doing, bettering his life and his career situation in order to provide a better life for his family.
As an individual I feel like a failure.  Other people out there manage to work, have a family and go to school at the same time.  I have had a rough time keeping motivated and focused and that just killed any hope I have of completing my bachelors degree.  The crappy part is I only have a couple more years to use my GI Bill so I don't lose it all together.  I may try another school and I may look in to some kind of child care for E for a couple of days a week because this will give me the peace and quiet I need.  I can actually work in silence during daylight hours.  I also have to give up my social networking addiction.
At this point Josh has gotten back his grades and his over all GPA at this point is a 3.576.  I guess at this point my function is to be supportive and encouraging but it still sucks to know I can't get my crap together well enough to maintain a decent GPA!

Failure

Where do I even start?  Through grade school and high school and even my associates I was always a mediocre student.  What made me think I could work on a bachelors degree from home while trying to care for a baby full time?  I was going strong for a while with As and Bs taking one course per term so I wouldn't feel over whelmed.  Unfortunately the past couple of years have been hell on me.  I had gall bladder surgery, I had hernia repair surgery and all the while I continued to take classes.  Two in particular I was struggling with, Special Needs and Communication and Conflict.  I took both those classes twice each and failed them both twice each.  I got my first dismissal letter from Kaplan and submitted a request to be re admitted after explaining having surgery during those times and forging ahead with classes because I was afraid if I dropped them then I wouldn't go back to school.  They re admitted me.  Took Special Needs for the third time and failed it because I didn't complete and submit my final project on time so I was dismissed for the second time from the shool.  In the time it's taken me to try and get my bachelors my husband has manage to finish his bachelors, his military career and is currently working on his Doctorite in law.  All I can say is I fall horriblly short and I don't know how my husband expcts me to home school our son when I don't even have the motivation to get myself through school.  On top of all of this I've been dealing with severe depression for several years now but it has only recently been diagnosed and treated.
Not only is school not working out for me but I'm also not much of a suzie home maker either.  I cook because I have no not because I want to or because I enjoy it.  I pretty much stick with the basics and try not to make much work for myself because I also can't stand doing house work either.  My home is cluttered and dusty, and occassionally dishes sit in the sink for a couple of days and the stove looks like a bomb went off on it.  I do however manage to take the garbage out often before it gets to over flowing and I attempt to keep up after the litter boxes so the cats won't feel the need to use the rest of the house as a litter box.  I guess my issue is that I don't care enough about what is going on around me to keep an immaculate home and to make an effort to get enthusiastic about cooking.  Honestly I can't tell you how many times I have thought about divorce and giving up my parental rights because I don't want to have to be responsible for any one or any thing but myself.
Even more sad then my state of uncaring is how my husband seems to be so unsupportive.  When I suggested putting E in some kind of daycare a couple of days a week to give myself a break and some breathing room my husband was absolutely opposed to it.  Mind you while he was busy being opposed to me having time to myself he was busy going out at night drinking.  During the day he was at work, then at school then at the bar til midnight.  So of course he had all this time to himself to do things.  When he'd come home he either parked himself in front of the computer or in front of the TV to play some game on one of his many game systems.  Of course he also is really good at tuning things out around him when he chooses to so he'd be home and still manage to totally ignore his son.

Saying good-bye to 2011

Another year comes to and end and here we are with so much going on.  In the last couple of years I've had hernia repair surgery and gall bladder removal and we've avoided having another child not knowing what this would do to my body not to mention how it would affect fetal development.  After talking to one of the general surgeons about my case and what kind of issues can come from getting pregnant and carrying to term.  So  Josh and I are trying to have another baby.  This year Josh retired from the Navy and is currently attending law school.  The rough part of this year was losing the person I considered to be my maternal grandmother and miscarrying a child.  The coming year brings with it a breath of better things to come.  Josh and I will be trying for another child.  Eric thankfully is growing big and healthy, since speech therapy his vocabulary has amplified greatly.  I'm still struggling with staying focused on school and such but I'm hanging in there as much as possible.  Josh will be returning back to school in a few days and getting in to the second semester of his first year.  He's stressing grades and the grading system and I think he's kind of selling himself short.  From here on out we only look forward!  We seem to be doing well working with what we have.  We truly are blessed.

Not how I envisioned my Christmas Holiday...

Santa has made his stop by the inlaws to drop gifts for Eric, so that is taken care of.  The part that I'm really having a rough time with is the fact that Josh has done nothing but video game all damn day.  I can't say anything because of course I'm a guest.  Kills me that all his dad wants to do is either play/watch golf or watch my husband play the fucking Wii!!!  I'm about ready to rip all that shit out of the wall.  All I can say is next year I'm not leaving my house for anyone.  I'm also not giving up my TV for anyone either.  If they want to be at my house they go by my rules.  This is crap that I'm essentially confined to my damn computer or a book because I'm not interested in watching my husband play a fucking video game that he can do any other time of the year.  I'm ready to go back home and ready for my husband to be back at school.  Hopefully mom will be moved out of Odie's by next year some time and I can put money aside to visit them for a while at Christmas instead of being here.  If this is what I have to look forward to then I'd rather go home to my family where there is actually shit for me to do other then spend most of the day sleeping or listening to video games in the back ground instead of Christmas music or movies.  I'm hoping things will be better tomorrow but I doubt it.  Every thing is closed tomorrow and after we open gifts of course the lazy asses won't want to do anything other then get on the fucking video game again.  Just not looking forward to that.

Chillin with the inlaws....

Every so often I hear horror stories of families that just can't seem to get along.  I'm not talking about the internal family stuff, that crap happens to everyone and most of the time the issues are forgotten about or just gotten over and for the post part the family starts talking to each other again.  My sister and I are a prime example, she and I fight like hell and have totally different points of view on just about every thing in life.  What I'm talking about is the inlaw situation when the inlaws absolutely make every effort to keep the spouse at a distance or cause a lot of tension between the married couple.  I guess hubby and I are blessed in that his parents and siblings like me and my family likes him.  We each talk to our parents about internal issues because even though we are adults we look for love, support, guidance from our parents.  Thankfully each set of parents gives us a place to vent without telling us what they think we should be doing and with out making every attempt to make bad or rough issues between us even worse.  We are truly blessed that our son gets to see at least one set of his grandparents on a rather regular basis and he also has one great-grandma and one great-grandpa still living.  I'm thankful that both these grand parents have a fairly clean bill of health and do the best they can to take care of themselves.
I bring all this up because currently hubby and I are at his dad and stepmom's and they treat me like I belong which is wonderful.  They've never made me feel awkward or out of place.  Now do we each have traits and such that make the other crazy?  Sure we do.  But I often tell people if you can't accept me at my worst then you don't deserve me at my best.  I truly am thankful for my family both near and far not just today but every day.  I look back on the life I have and the life that could have been and I must say, taking the road I was meant to take is looking really darn good from where I'm standing.  Letting go and letting God seems to be making a huge difference in my life.  With so much that I've been through and all the people that have come into and gone from my life I have to say that God put me with the right people at the right time.

Boo Hoo and bitching about duty days....

Seriously how is it you are going to fucking bitch and piss and moan about the fact that your husband has to work an over night duty?  How are you going to bitch about him being gone on deployment?  Why don't you shut the fuck up and be greatful that your husband is working a FULL TIME JOB WITH BENEFITS?  Your stupid ass isn't having to pay medical bills out of pocket.  When your husband is in off crew he's often home at a decent time and you have weekends to hang out and do shit together.  Think about the other alternatives, he could be working a minimum wage job with no benefits and long hours.  He could be unemployed all together.  He could be a cop or EMT working crazy ass shifts and constantly on night shifts where he's sleeping most of the day and gone all night and doesn't get to do much with the kids.  He could have a job where he's working double shifts constantly and you never see him.  You KNEW when you got involved with him that he was working for the US Military and that he didn't have a normal 9-5, home on weekends type of job so if you knew and felt you were going to have such an issue with it WHY THE HELL DID YOU MARRY THE GUY?  Seriously take your pissy, whiney asses out and get a job and a life and find things to do with other people on the nights your husband is on duty.  Get a book club or a card group together and have a game night, get a knitting or crocheting group together or something and spend a few hours with friends before and after the kids go to bed to keep yourself occupied.  OK end of rant!

Wishing you a happy birthday...

Wow, it's hard to believe it's been 15+ years since you've been gone and just how much has happen in all of that time.  I think of you often and wish you were still here to see your great grandchildren and the lives your son and grandchildren have made for themselves.  Every time I feel the need for a little latin spice in my life you come to mind and I wish we had shared more dances together.  Funny all the stuff Melissa and Vinny went through after their father died and they both seem to be getting their lives back on track.  Lis is a Ms. Fix It like her daddy and Vinny is driving truck for a living just like mine.  It's funny how influenced we all were by our fathers.  I hope Uncle Nestor and Aunt Mildred are doing well with you.  As for dad he's hanging in there.  I thought a few times over the last several years he'd be joining you.  Thanks to Grandma's love and care he's still kicking.  Yeah dad and grandma share living space with a huge black beast of a cat named Shadow.  Mom and Odie are also sharing living space, that's an interesting and often frustrating living arrangement.  Odie has three boys, the youngest was recently diagnosed with a mood disorder that he's had since birth.  Josh and I we're hanging in there.  At the moment he's home with me from school til after the new year and then back to the grind.

HAPPY 90th BIRTHDAY!