Just another day in the life....

At the moment I'm fighting with some kind of cold/flu something or another that my husband was kind enough to bring home and share with me. I've been feeling like crap. I cough so hard and so often I have a hard time catching my breath and the worst part about it is I'm not coughing up much of anything either. So hubby has been sick for about a month and I've been sick about two weeks. The lil guy has also been sick but he's got an inner ear infection in one of his ears so lucky him he got a bottle of amoxacillin to take so that's clearing out his sinuses like niagra falls. I've also started my 5th term at school and think I'll enjoy the class I'm taking this term. Thankfully I don't have to write any 5-8 page papers every two weeks or so but I will have 1 page journal entries to put together just about every other week. That shouldn't be too bad but I need to get on the ball with the reading and such. I tried to start and let me tell you it was ROUGH!!! I'm thinking I'll probablly do quite a bit better with this class then I have in the past few classes. I'm hoping for a high B and maybe even an A in the class that would be awesome. Later today I get the ball rolling on getting my class work done. I need to stay ahead of this because Josh is looking at going to his dads Labor Day weekend as planned provided we aren't all still coughing and hacking. I'm thinking as long as its taken him to deal with it I'll be just as long. Here's to hoping things get better.

ADHD, is it just a way for drug cos. to get rich?

When my sister was a child she was diagnosed with ADD and put on meds for about a year or so while she was in school. One of her teachers stated that they wanted to work with her without the meds and so she was taken off the meds and I don't think ever put back on the meds. She had issues with focus and concentration but she was smart she was actively listening to what was going on in class even when she didn't seem to be paying attention/ or being disruptive to others around her in class. I often wonder how things might have worked out for her if she had been kept on meds all through school. I wonder if she might have actually stayed in school more often and made an effort to actually work on things in class and stay more focused on the goal of advancing to the next grade. One year my sister essentially tested out of summer school after failing a grade for failure to show up to school.

I'm addressing this because of a few things I discussed with my psychologist about myself and my inability to focus or complete assignments in a timely fashion. I've been back in school for almost nine months now and my lack of time management and the ability to complete major assignments on time has just been getting worse and worse. Being a SAHM and online college student has been really rough on me the last couple of terms because of the major writing assignments and my seeming inability to get them completed on time. I get distracted very easily. Can't focus or concentrate and tune out the background noises of daily life in the home. I also am generally quite tired by the time I put my son to bed at night so I'm not able to stay up several hours at night to get work done. Often times I'll sit down to start working on things for school and I get distracted by something else that needs to get done such as laundry, or dishes or a trip to the store for something. I am constantly procrastinating. Even with this current term I'm retaking a class that I dropped out of last term and thought I was ahead of the game as far as getting research together and getting through the reading. No such luck. Now I'm not just one week but two weeks behind on my first project and I need to have my next project almost complete by this time next weekend. Talk about a goof off. Maybe once I see the psychiatrist and figure out if I could possiblly have ADHD and maybe go through some therapy and maybe get some meds in order to keep it under control then I'll be able to get myself organized and put together better.

How now brown cow????

So it's been a while since I rant or rave or whatever on here. I figured it was about time I did SOMETHING. Let's see. Last term I was stressing out over the papers I was going to have to do for two classes I was attempting to take. I finally withdrew from one of the classes hoping to make it easier on myself and it didn't exactly work out that way. I ended up having foot surgery the beginning of May and still ended up falling behind in the remaining class. Let me tell you that really sucked. If hubby hadn't helped me out I'd have failed the class. At any rate I ended up getting a B in the class I finished and this term I am retaking the class I withdrew from last term. On the plus side I have the book already and am a bit ahead as far as research material for the first paper. I will have to get in touch with the prof. for this class and clarify some things as far as getting the paper hashed out. I've got three papers witht he same basic principles and I'm going to definitely make sure I have all my shit in one sock to get these papers written and reviewed in a timely fashion.

Trying to get back on track

Here I sit at a local bakery trying to function and think. I have a paper that was due to be turned in four days ago. I managed to write out a rough draft but it looks like hell. I was trying to do this from home and it didn't seem to be working out very well. We shall see how well this works out. I had to drop my History of Psychology class because unfortunately hubby wasn't exactly being cooperative on the peace and quiet front so I could focus. I don't know that my current environment is any better but trying to keep up with Eric's needs has caused me to drop what I've been doing with class work in order to give him my undivided attention and by the time I put him to bed I'm ready for bed myself. This afternoon I napped so I'm hoping I can clean up this paper and get some posting done for class. Whew I hate hate hate to play catch up with work. I know next term I'll have to take the History of Psychology class all over again so I'm hoping to get a head start on the reading during the week break between terms.

The downward spiral of my marriage

Here I sit when I should be working on school stuff getting ready to vent about my husband and his insecurities. Thanks to all the bullshit and garbage from him I've decided to drop one class and go back to taking one class per term so that's 1 class every 10 weeks and I have 20 classes to go before my degree is completed. So I was going to take Easter Sunday to find a quiet space to go and work on reading for both my classes and work on posting to discussion boards and get both my papers started that are due this time next week. Well when I told Josh I was doing this on Sat. after he came back from being gone to a 'fair tax rally' with a 'buddy' of his for 5 hours he blew up at me and of course had the whole accusatory demeanor that I was going to screw around on him. Really? Are you that fucking insecure and controlling that I can't even go and find a quiet baby free space to get my school work done when you make the time to do all your shit at work because you get to fucking distracted at home with your computer games? Then of course I'm suppose to be ready to fuck you on demand when there is no sexual enjoyment in it for me. everything is about him. At this point everything is lip service on my end. His idea of an apology was sex at three in the morning yesterday. His idea of an I'm thinking about you card was something having to do with me being naked. I want to know what the hell happen to the guy who used to like spending time with me just hanging out riding around, going to used book stores, flea markets and Renaissance Fairs? Where the hell did the I just want to hold you and be with you guy go? What happened to the person who used to like curling up on the floor or sofa together to just read? Where the hell is the guy who needs to step up and be a dad? Yes his work is important and it keeps a roof over our head and food on the table but when he comes home his decompression time should be with his son and not his computer. Don't get me wrong, I spend more time on the computer and in front of the television then I should but my husband LIVES FOR HIS COMPUTER. I at least get up and tend to my son when he needs me. I don't sit and try to ignore him thinking he's being whiney. If I leave Eric with Josh for any length of time so I can give myself a bit of a break from going stir crazy I'm immediately dumping my son off on him. Seriously you act like I'm leaving you with someone else's kids.
So of course I'm the one who set up an appointment for myself to go to counseling because at this point I need someone to vent to who just might give me some perspective on why my husband acts like such an immature fucking jerkoff.

Just keep on keeping on

It's Tuesday night about 10 PM and I put my son down for the night at about 8:30. I'm trying to get him off going to bed with a bottle at night so I tried feeding him some stage three jar food before putting him down. He played for a bit and then went out like a light. I'm hoping that I fed him enough that he'll sleep throught he night without issues because I have to be up for a dental appointment at 8 in the morning. Right now I should either be in bed or reading for my classes but I'm not doing either one. I'm just curious what time my husband will decide he feels like coming home tonight. Twice now he's gone out, once to one place and didn't bother to call me to tell me he was changing venues and that he planned to be out more then just the original 'couple of hours' he mentioned before he left the house, and the second was his jaunt to go fishing with a buddy around noon, he told me after the fact that they got off the water at 6 PM and he didn't get home til almost 10 PM. Talk about seriously pissing me off. I'm like really, where the hell does he get off? You can't make a phone call to tell me what the hell is going on just in case something is going on in the house? Am I that unimportant that you just go about your merry way like you don't have a damn care in the world or anyone at home waiting on you? Is you son that unimportant to you that you would just show such a lack of consideration as to stop and mke a phone call. At this point I'm at the end of my rope with this bullshit and if he does it again I will leave him. This kind of crap I don't need. It's one thing for him to be on deployment and unreachable but for him to be just down the fucking street and act like he can't even pick up the fucking cellphone and call me and say 'hey babe I'm heading over to XYZ place for a few hours is that ok?' just kind of pisses me off. Apparently he just assumes that I'm ok with him being all over town getting drunk. Then he will sit at home and get drunk and accuse me of cheating on him when he's the one who doesn't want to be in the house.
On a personal level I'm having issues with my libedo and my overall appearance. I don't feel any kind of attractive and I have no real desire for sex. Its not just that I don't want to have sex with my husband, its more a case of I could care less if I never have sex again. At this point when I need to relieve tention in that department I do a better job by myself. My sex life hasn't been all that great for a few years now. I mean hell we have our moments where I actually see stars but it takes a lot of effort on my husbands part to get me there. He really doesn't want to be bothered putting in the effort to romance me and I just don't feel much of anything when he decides he's PMSing and needs to fuck or he'll bust apart. All that does is irritate me that he gets up the next morning with a shit eating grin on his face because he got laid and I get up in pain and disappointed at the previous nights events. I'm to the point where why bother?

So many things

Where do I even begin with what I have going through my mind. There has been so much going on. I guess I'll start with the good, positive stuff first. Eric has absolutely been growing in leaps and bounds. His first birthday was 4 days ago. He's been clapping his hands on his own, he's learned to walk without help and when he's holding my hand forget it, he's off and running. Today I took him to the health department to get his one year shots and we weighed him and measured him and he's 22.5 lbs and 29 1/4 inches long. Before I know it he'll be taller then me and probablly twice my weight. All I can say is WOW!!!! There is so much more I want to write about but I'm just too damn tired. Between the baby and School I'm so beat it isn't even funny.