I'm sure my life right now is a cake walk compaired to what many other people are going through but I'm having a rough time with so many things. Depression is one of the biggest issues. I should be taking meds, and seeing a therapist regularly but I just kind of gave up on it. My eating habits suck, I don't exercise like I should be. I should be more interactive with Eric and have him doing more with practicing writing letters and numbers and at the very least writing his name. I have no desire to really do any of that! I was excited that he can count to ten on his own and that he knows his entire alphabet, he knows colors and several shapes. I really need to be working with him on spelling and identifying objects. He enjoys when I read to him at night. I love having him with me, I like that for the most part I can go just about any where and take him with me and he's mostly well behaved. He has been testing me lately though because he knows I let him get away with certain things that his dad won't let him off the hook on. I'm also having issues with introducing new foods to him. These are things I'll have to discuss with his Dr. when I schedule his annual check up.
As for me, where do I even begin? On Saturday I sent an Ex an email just to wish him a happy birthday. I've been with Josh almost 13 years now and as much as we have issues he's the right man for me. The ex however has 'buyers remorse' over pushing me out of his life. Who knows where I'd be right now if Phil and I had stayed together. Would I have been able to break away from my family and live on my own? Would I have had any success going back to Jersey after I finished my tour of duty? I knew there was a reason I left. I felt, with certainty, that my life was going to go nowhere if I stayed where I was. With Josh I've had a chance to see some of the world. I'm dealing with a lot. In the last 5 years I've had two miscarriages and had to heavily encourage my husband to go after the law school he so dearly wanted to attend. They accepted him with open arms and full scholarship. The separation is hard on both of us. For myself the hard part is not really having emotional support when I'm feeling defeated. I gave up any attempts to finish my bachelors degree for the same reason. Sadly I wasn't getting any of the support I really needed when Josh was home much less now that he's gone doing his own thing. If/when I have another baby again I'll be going through so much alone. God's plan for me often times seems so heart breaking. If I get pregnant while Josh is in school I really don't have any kind of strong support system near by to help me out with things once I deliver, or if I have complications during pregnancy. Funny how Josh really isn't giving me what I need but still expects me to give him what he wants/needs. My head is spinning with all of this and I'm hoping it doesn't keep me awake half the night.
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